"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,”
2 Corinthians 1:3
Every since going to the Killing Fields and S21 i have been struggling. Struggling with questions and lies from the enemy. Struggling with a deep desire for comfort and affirmation. My heart takes this desire and thinks that the desire is for home in Oklahoma. For home (I don't even like to call it that now because I know home is wherever He calls me) is where I receive comfort, love and affirmation from my family and church family. When I am removed from this things, it brings me desperate to the foot of the cross. God spoke the word desperate to me on the airplane coming here and I believe that He was speaking to me that His desire for me is to have a heart of desperation for Him. Many times throughout the day my heart is desperate for many things, but to have my hearts one cry for more of the Living God, that is desperation for Him.
I want to be here in Cambodia so badly and it is humbling that I am even dealing with this desire but I take great comfort in the fact that "He knows my frame and remembers that I am but dust". This "homesickness" isn't a burden or problem, but it is an opportunity for me to draw all of my comfort from Him. For He is the Father of mercies and God of all comfort. How else will I know know His true comfort if I am comfortable? There is a quote that I love, it says "You don't need the Comforter if you are comfortable."
It is really humbling to see how so many others lives were truly horrid and filled with pain and lost and I have been blessed with so much and yet my heart can still yearn for other things. But I know that this yearning isn't the problem, for God gives us desires. Where I look to fill this yearning is the important part. This yearning isn't for my mom or my friends at home. It isn't for personal liberties or affirmation from man, it is a yearning for Perfect love. A yearning for an everlasting love that comforts every infirmity and heals every wound. An everlasting love that reaches as high as the heavens and as far as the east is from the west.
“Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.”
Psalms 103:2-5, 8, 11, 13-14
His healing hands are reached out to me. He rejoices over me and dances with loud singing. His sees everything about me and He truly loves everything about me. He loves the deepest insecurities and weaknesses that I try to hide. He sees, He knows and He loves.
I am not alone, I am not alone. You will go before me, you will never leave me. In the midst of deep sorrow, I see your light breaking through. The dark of night will not overtake me, I am pressing into You. Lord You fight my every battle and I will not fear.
Application: every time today that I have a yearning for affirmation, love and comfort, I will take that desire to Jesus who can perfectly fill it.